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Planning a wedding can drive anyone crazy, but don’t let temporary insanity kick in. If you find yourself considering any of the following ideas — step away from your wedding binder and get some fresh air. Don’t become a cautionary tale.
1. Pyrotechnics: Pyrotechnics at a wedding are the opposite of good taste. You have to remember that you are planning a wedding, not a KISS concert. Adorning the buffet with flares might look nice in photos, but they’re way too close to those bunson burners keeping food warm. It’s all fun and games until someone ends gets a third degree burn at the meat carving station. Tip: try sparklers — outside — instead.
2. DJ-ing with an iPod playlist: Technology has come a long way since the days DJs carried crates of records to gigs. That doesn’t mean you can or should DJ your own wedding with an iPod playlist, or let a well-meaning friend do the same. Whether you choose a band or a DJ, leave the music to a professional. The world of cables and amps is an art and a science best left to bonafide A/V nerds.
3. Cash bar: I don’t care how small your budget is. I don’t care if the groom’s entire family is in A.A., when people go to a wedding they expect one thing: an open bar. This doesn’t mean you have to hand out personal Patron shots on the dance floor, but there should be a decent array of hard liquors as well as wine and beer. 90% of the free world does not bring cash to a wedding, so drink tickets and then a cash bar are also not an option. Even if it means you have to walk down the aisle in a white trash bag while the local middle school glee club hums “Here Comes The Bride,” — free booze is non-negotiable.
4. Serenading your groom: We’ve seen the video of the bride who successfully sang to her groom as she walked down the aisle. She, though, was a legitimately talented singer and should be considered the exception to the rule.
For the rest of the bridal world, singing to your groom is a big no-no. No matter how much you practice it will never come off the way you would like it to. All eyes should be on you because you look gorgeous and the event is beautiful, not because you sound pitch-y while hitting the high C. Save the singing for when you and your hubs are in the shower together.
5. Get married on a beach during high tide: At least have the sense to find out how far up the beach the waves go.
6. Taking photos on a dock: History (and YouTube) proves this is never a good idea. Everyone will end up almost falling in or definitely falling in the water.
7. Not wearing underwear: Because what you trip during your grand entrance and moon all your guests?
8. Saving yourself for marriage — specifically, kissing: If you subject your guests to this, they’re taking back every single one of your gift envelopes.
9. Letting your groom carry you: This is doubly true in inclement weather, because he will drop you, no matter how much he works out.
10. Having an enormously pregnant woman in your wedding party: We’ve all seen the photos: a lovely bride flanked by her nearest and dearest wedding party. Among the throng, usually all the way on the end, is the woman who is 800 months pregnant and probably gave birth during the cocktail hour.
Pregnant women do not want to be in anyone’s wedding, even if she is your bestie from grade school. They will nod and smile and tell you it’s an honor, but deep down they’re cursing the day they met you.
No matter what trimester she is in, the pregnant lady wants to sit in the pew and get a head start snacking on the h’ors d’ouerves. She does not want to spend $200 on a dress that, in all seriousness, will not look good on her. She does not want to wear heels. She does not want to watch you and the rest of crew pound mimosas at the salon while she sips club soda. Give the pregnant lady a pass. Or, if you’re super-close, give her a short reading during the ceremony or a duty like manning the guest book.
