Whether you realize it or not, you likely compare yourself to others on a daily basis. It could happen when you pass someone with a nice outfit on the street and immediately wish you had better clothes, scroll past someone’s photo and Instagram and wish your body looked like theirs, or hear that someone you went to high school with got married and wish you could find a long-term relationship. The triggers of self-comparison are everywhere–it’s only natural that we get pulled into the trap sometimes.
However, when the issue starts to suck up your time and energy, it can begin to have lasting negative effects on your mental health. You may find yourself feeling more stressed, anxious, or depressed, unable to focus at work or be productive, and more. Luckily, there are several methods that can help stop the constant comparison cycle. To learn how to stop comparing yourself to others, we spoke to mental health experts like licensed clinical psychologist Amanda Cassil, PhD, founder of STEM Psychological Services; Paige Rechtman, LMHC; Kelley Kitley Serendipitous of Psychotherapy, LLC; and Megan Tarmann, MS, LMFT. Read on for all of their insight!
9 strategies to stop comparing yourself to others
While your mental health journey is personal, which means that finding the methods that work best for you will require some trial and error, there are several tricks you can keep in mind as you try to stop constantly comparing yourself to others. Mental ealth experts recommend the following:
Recognize the issue, pause, and reframe your thinking
Just like with any other problem, the first step you need to take in order to stop comparing yourself to others is to recognize that you do it too frequently. As Kitley says, “the first piece is awareness.” When you are aware of this weakness, and when you can recognize when you’re beginning to spiral into a negative pattern, you’ll be better able to pull yourself out of it. When you start to feel bad about yourself, Kitley says you should “stop the automatic thought from going into a spiral” by telling yourself 3 things you love about yourself.” This practice is known as self-talk, which we’ll touch more on later on. Kitley goes on to say that if you “feel stuck in envy,” it’s time to reframe your thinking and use whatever you’re admiring in someone else as motivation for getting where you want to go and creating the life you want to live, rather than as a source of jealousy or competition.
Take a break from social media with a digital detox
Excessive social media use is one of the biggest catalysts for toxic self-comparison. As Rechtman points out, the internet has connected us to more people than ever before, which means we’re also “comparing ourselves to more humans than our brains can handle.” She calls social media “a breeding ground for comparing yourself to others,” noting that “it affects how you feel and think on a subconscious level.” For this reason, it’s vital that you limit your time spent on social media. You may even want to do a digital detox for a while. Cassil suggests you “delete your social media apps for a while, let your friends and family know you are going to take some time for yourself, and limit exposure to triggering activities and people.” You can use this time away from social media for self-discovery. “Therapy self-help books, journaling, meditation, silent retreats, and solo activities can be a great way of re-centering and connecting with your values and sense of self,” Cassil lists.
Don’t compare your life to everyone else’s highlight reel
Whether it’s through social media or not, many people only share the positive aspects of their lives–which can make it easy to believe they don’t have any of their own struggles. “It’s really hard to turn off that comparison button in our brains when we are constantly being bombarded with filtered images, pictures of vacations, new job announcements and wedding anniversaries,” Rechtman notes. Kitley agrees. “Sometimes when we view others' lives, especially through social media, it’s a highlight reel. Or, we compare ourselves to someone’s accolades ‘on paper’ but we have no idea how they feel, internally,” she says. This is vital to remember if you want to stop comparing yourself to others. Remember, you’re not getting the whole picture, so you shouldn’t compare all the ups and downs of your life to a highlight reel of someone else’s life!
Practice gratitude
Practicing gratitude is an important part of maintaining your mental health overall, and it can be especially helpful if you find yourself constantly comparing yourself to others. When you focus on the things you’re grateful for in your own life, the things going on in other people’s lives will matter far less to you. “You can be reminded of the parts of your life that are fulfilling, that you do feel good about,” Rechtman explains. You may want to consider starting a gratitude journal that you can use to list the things you are grateful for each day, or just whenever you find the time.
Practice positive self-talk
Although you may feel silly doing it at first (or may find it hard to believe what you’re saying), one of the best ways to build your self-confidence is to practice positive self-talk by listing your strengths, achievements, and the things you love about yourself. “Positive self statements take some time to practice but with consistency and persistence, can become automatic just like your comparison thoughts once were,” Tarmann tells us. “You can write positive affirmations on your mirror and practice saying them each morning while you get ready or you can tell yourself three things you appreciate about yourself on your drive to work. You can strengthen these positive affirmations even more by inhaling deeply as if you are breathing them into your body and imagine exhaling all the negative thoughts out.”
Focus on your strengths
A big part of self-talk is focusing on your strengths. If you find it hard to see strengths in yourself, you can think about positive feedback you’ve gotten from other people. Maybe you’re a great friend, a hard worker–maybe you know how to whip up the best homemade meals. Whatever it is, reminding yourself of the great qualities that are unique to you will help you worry less about how you stack up against other people.
Use your past self as a benchmark of comparison
If you think you’re not achieving enough in life compared to other people, it may be helpful to shift your thinking by using your past self as a benchmark for comparison, instead. So what if someone you follow on social media has a more exciting job than you? You have a better job than you did 5 years ago, and that’s what should matter. At the end of the day, the only person you should be comparing yourself to is you! Even if you can find just one or two ways that your life has improved or you’ve grown as a person, recognizing your own progress can help plant the seeds of higher self-worth. It’s a much better method than focusing on other people’s lives and highlight reels.
Document your achievements
It feels good to be celebrated–and it feels good to celebrate yourself, too. Just as you constantly see other people documenting their own highlights and achievements online, you can do the same. This is helpful for several reasons: it’s a great way to keep your wins at the forefront of your mind (rather than your setbacks), it opens the door for others to congratulate you, and it’s also a good reminder for yourself that other people aren’t the only ones who can have triumphs.
Celebrate other people too
Seeing the achievements of other people only as opportunities to compare yourself and negate your own strengths can be exhausting. Instead, it’s helpful to flip your thinking and celebrate those around you, rather than constantly comparing and feeling envious every time you see someone post good news. Of course, this is often easier said than done–but it helps to start with a loved one. Next time someone you would typically be jealous of makes an exciting announcement, do your best to be happy for them and to use their achievement as motivation to propel you forward in life, rather than trap you in feelings of envy.
Why do we compare ourselves to others?
An important part of breaking the habit of self-comparison is understanding why you compare yourself to others in the first place. Rechtman says much of it comes down to our desire to belong. “It is in our nature to want to belong–it’s a survival instinct,” she reminds us. “We compare ourselves to ensure we are on the same track as others, that we are headed in a similar direction, and that we are part of a group, and that we belong with that group. When we compare ourselves and see we might not be on a similar path or have similar things, we can start to feel insecure, it can make us feel different, which can then be interpreted as feelings of unworthiness or not belonging.”
However, it’s important to remember that everyone is on their own timeline–and while it’s important to find a community you can feel comfortable and thrive within, you don’t need to compete with other people as a survival tactic anymore. What’s really important is making sure you’re on the right track for your own life–not someone else’s.
The bottom line
At the end of the day, a little bit of jealousy, competition, and comparison is inevitable–especially in the social media age. While it’s only natural for that little green monster to pop up every now and then, what matters is knowing how to stop those feelings of envy and the twinges of self-doubt before they get out of hand. If you can practice all the habits we’ve talked about in this article and always remember to reframe your thinking to a more positive mindset, you’ll be well on your way to better mental health, higher self-esteem, and a rich, fulfilling life that you can feel proud of.
